He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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