I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
