Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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