how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
