What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
