why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
