I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
