Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
