I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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