i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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