a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize