i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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