dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
