so explain again why im purple
no
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
