Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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