Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
