i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
