Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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