I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
whose parrot is this?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize