can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
