where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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