Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
