eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
