you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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