he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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