I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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