That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
