if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
