I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
