you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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