Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
