Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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