She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
