My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
