Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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