Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
