I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize