Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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