A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
where does the pee come out of this thing
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize