I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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