She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
