i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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