Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
