Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
