Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
