Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
