I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
