Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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