The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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