I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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