i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
