went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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