the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
