I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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