so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
