I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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