Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
