she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
